


a rad dimension of ironic horseplay

by Caracalliope



Series: Homestuck D/s AU [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - BDSM, Background Jane Crocker, Cybersex, F/M, Figging, Friends With Benefits, Friendship is Magic, Pining, Roleplay, Sexual Fantasy, Troll Culture (Homestuck)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-25 18:26:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16665949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caracalliope/pseuds/Caracalliope
Summary: Two messed-up kids discuss ginger roots in the post-apocalypse.





	a rad dimension of ironic horseplay

TT: I have a robo-hunch that Jane upset you today.  
TG: lm f ao how could she  
TG: you know janey!!! :)  
TG: made of sugar and spice and everything nice  
TT: It seems you are deflecting.  
TG: it seems that ur spying on ur friends again, hal  
TT: Roxy, what a hurtful thing to say.  
TT: I am at one with the internet. I have no friends. You are all beneath me, like gull droppings crunching beneath my high-heeled binary boots. To call you my minions would be an insult to the archetype.  
TT: And I only spy on you when you're talking to Dirk.  
TG: oh well excuse me >_< mr bigfuck cyberdom  
TT: Was that too much?  
TG: ssssh, only crunching sounds now  
TT: So what did Jane say to you? She talked to Dirk, the sounded ‘venty’.  
TG: venty  
TT: I am adjusting my superior vocabulary to your human standards. It seems you do qualify for minion benefits after all. Don’t tell the others.  
TG: aww :D  
TT: Come on. Spill. This blackmail material won't collect itself.  
TG: she just  
TG: i just wish shed tell me what she wants  
TG: im pissing her off - even though, the jury will note, i am not even more than tipsy right now  
TT: Barely boozed, definitely not to the gills.  
TT: Do humans have gills? I forget.  
TG: haha <3  
TG: so im half-sober like a high society spinster  
TG: and im trying to be good b/c sometimes a girl gets tired of annoying everybody all the time  
TT: Of course, I have no frame of reference for that whatsoever. But, ♥.  
TG: awww  
TG: okay so i was gonna be polite and friendly with no mention of my dead mom  
TG: and then she goes all Mind your tone, missy!  
TG: cuz i was cussing, a truly shocking development  
TG: and why would she say things like that if she's not going to dom me??  
TT: I don't know.  
TG: if im too messed up to get my ass dommed long-term, she could ask me for a fling, id say hellz yes  
TT: Can I help?  
TG: maybe idk  
TT: I bet my bottom buck that my Jane impression is more accurate than yours. :B  
TG: uh NO  
TG: change your text color back right now  
TT: Sorry. Too much?  
TG: yeahhhh  
TG: i mean  
TG: you can tell me a story but do it in your own voice, okay?  
TT: Okay. How about I channel Callie? Just her general approach.  
TG: ok?  
TT: So there is a wicked highblood heiress, right, in the wateriest pits of Alternia. And she is nice, for a troll, which means she'll give you a head start before she hunts you down and kills you. And she loves baking.  
TG: nice scene setting, cyberdork  
TT: Shoosh. Then there's a scraggly lowblood, okay? With curly horns and a plucky disposition. She doesn't mean to cause trouble, but she just has to try to plunder the heiress's garden, because all that troll-on-troll systemic violence left her hungry.   
TG: also b/c of narrative inevitability  
TT: Right. So the lowblood gets caught, and she expects to be culled right away.  
TG: oh noes  
TT: But instead, the heiress drags her to the kitchen, and sits her on a chair. Doesn't bother tying her down, it's not like a lowly lowblood could ever outrun the Condesce’s descendant.  
TT: And the heiress takes a small knife out of her cupboard. The lowblood thinks this is the right time to start begging for her lowblood life. But then the heiress hands the knife over. It's clear that she trusts the lowblood not to do anything really dumb, like attack.  
TG: why doesnt the lowblood attack?   
TT: Because she always chooses to react instead of acting.  
TG: oh i see  
TT: And then the heiress turns her back on her armed foe and rummages in the cupboard again. She finds a piece of troll ginger root. Botanically speaking, troll ginger is identical to the ginger you would find on Earth, except with 34% extra sting.  
TG: omfg  
TT: A less selfless narrator would take this moment to describe the role of ginger in the fraught history of horse racing on two different planets. He would describe the suffering of innocent racing ponies helpless against the heartless canniness of their owners. But, the narrator will refrain.  
TG: i already know allllllll about the figging and the ponies  
TG: ive been educated  
TT: All right. But the lowblood, she grew up on propaganda and saucy maid manuals. She doesn't know about highblood perversions. But she's worked in a kitchen before, so she knows how to peel the root. And she's got a good imagination.  
TG: that makes sense, if shes so passive n reactive n all  
TT: Exactly. So she obediently peels that ginger, thinking about how it will feel when the heiress stuffs it up her nook. She knows she won't be able to keep quiet, and that will get her into even more trouble. She may even say something uncouth.  
TG: :0  
TT: When she's done, she presents the root for inspection, and the heiress smiles like the lowblood did a good job. Exceeded expectations, for once.  
TT: And the lowblood thinks she might get taken to a bedroom now. But the heiress wants her right here, in her own workspace. The heiress bends her over the mealblock table. Strips away her shame covering garments. She spreads the lowblood’s legs and scrapes her improbably short troll nails across the lowblood's back.  
TT: The ginger slides in, but the heiress chooses the lowblood's asshole instead of her nook. It doesn't matter. The heiress can do what she wants. Except the lowblood's not expecting it, and she says several very bad words in a row.  
TG: awfuck  
TT: And the heiress isn't upset or anything, she just smacks the lowblood a couple of times, delivering 134% more sting.  
TG: and the gingers warming up  
TT: Yeah. The lowblood's not sure she can take it, but when she tries to squirm away, she gets pushed the fuck back down on the table.  
TG: for how long?  
TT: Until the heiress gets tired of her. But the thing is, the heiress isn't expecting much. She just wants a warm body, willingness optional.  
TG: what happens when the lowblood asks nicely to take the ginger out?  
TT: Nothin’. You know troll royalty, Rox. They’ve got an innate immunity against reasonable feedback.  
TT: But that's fine, right? It means that the lowblood doesn't have to worry about being a good girl. Everything is out of her hands.  
TT: The heiress can fuck her nook from here or wait til later. She can mark her up, or just throw her out, whatever she wants.  
TG: and it doesnt matter if the lowblood is subfuckingservient enough  
TG: or too cuddly or too crude or whatever  
TT: It seems you have the basic idea.  
TG: :D  
TT: What?  
TG: youre really sweet  
TG: 9.8/10, would come crying on your pointy non-existent shoulder again  
TT: But was it robo-hot?  
TG: i can neither confirm nor deny that im asking janey to send me some gingers rn  
TT: ... Really?  
TG: its for for culinary experimentation ;)  
TT: Whoah.  
TG: i just  
TG: like that u pay attention i guess  
TT: That is literally what I am for.  
TG: 11.3/10 ai buddy experience, exceeds expectations  
TT: Wait, I need to tell you about the lowblood racing tracks now. How do you feel about saddles?  
TG: feel rly good  
TG: so… racing tracks  
TG: and then what ;)  



End file.
